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Ah, CPAC. The 2024 conference was, as Jimmy Kimmel put it, “a who’s who of who won’t accept the results of the election.” But that doesn’t mean Donald Trump didn’t go there to shine like a lazy diamond, and shine he did—for more than an hour on Saturday. And we were here for it. Because Hibernol is not a real thing. Yet. But ask us again in November. The FDA may give it an emergency use authorization if the world suddenly goes catawampus.
Trump has been in rare form lately. No, he isn’t showing up to rallies sporting goat horns, a forked tongue, and cadaverous, inky-black eyes whose baleful gaze compels men to madness and drives herds of pigs into the sea. That’s his usual form. Call it his resting Beelzebub face.
(Just kidding! Trump’s not a supernatural entity, evil or otherwise. He’s a divinely created human being with infinite worth, just like you, me, Scott “Chachi” Baio, Vladimir Putin, and Jared from Subway.)
But he has been particularly … let’s just say … weird lately. Even for Donald Trump. On Thursday night, he melted down into a frothy puddle of incoherent nonsense that had to be seen to be believed. And on Friday, he assured members of the Black Conservative Federation that they prefer “the white president” to “the Black president,” and that Black people love him now because he’s been arrested a lot. Sure, it’s a weird strategy, but he has been struggling mightily to reclaim the Black vote … that he lost when Herman Cain died.
Off we go!
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